so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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