My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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