I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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