My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
