she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
