Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sponge bath it is.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
