everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
