i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
