...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
