i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need to align my fucking chakras
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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