my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
