As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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