on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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