My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
