I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
