Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
