Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
