So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
