I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
