theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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