maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
