No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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