My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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