Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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