Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
