god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
