he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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