My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
