I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i need some magic done to my vagina
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
