I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
