God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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