he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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