I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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