It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
