I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
