If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
