My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
