he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just made my gag reflex go away.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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