if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
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