Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
