me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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