just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
