her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize