zippers are such a cool invention
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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