I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize