maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
