So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
