Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Enjoy the penises
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
