Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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