she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
