Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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