saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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