Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
