just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
